What I Know About Women

Well, we were given a creative feature assignment on the above topic, which proved to be somewhat amusing. Here is the fruit of my labours so to speak.

Ps. Dramatics have been added to 'spice' up the piece, so don't get your panties in a twist.
P.s.s I may suffer from writer's myopia, so any criticism would be great. Constructive only!

What I Know About Women

There’s a chinese saying that roughly translates as ‘a single woman is a marketplace, while a gathering of women is a whole village’. My dad would whip out this line (in exasperated Cantonese) just about everytime my mum engages her mouth. Whether it be on the phone, with my grandmum, with her gossipy friends or just plain nagging the hell out of the family. In short, my first lesson learnt about women is this that they’re noisy and they’re loud. And oh yeah, they love nagging. Lots and lots of nagging.

By the time I hit puberty, I’ve learnt to shut out the constant chitter-chatter i.e. nagging into ambient white noise. Failing that, I just locked myself in a room with a pillow over my head and turned the radio dial up. This was my second lesson; never ignore the attentions of an excitable and crazed woman. She will bang on your door, scream at the top of her lungs, and threaten to thrash your backside with a rattan cane (those things sting with evil venom) even when you’re a good foot taller and starting to shave and speak back in a deep, ominous voice. And that was just my sister.

My third lesson came in the form of heartbreak and first love. There was this girl who was not rated by my peers, as there were more beautiful creatures prancing about the school. But there was something interesting about her face and she did have the advantage of being rather top-heavy for her age. In any case, I confessed my feelings with a rose at the local coffee shop, heavily relying on the advice of a friend. The lesson learnt was, don’t confess to a girl in front of her friends and never, ever take advice from a male friend who obviously was a total idiot.

Further adventures with women have more or less resulted in similar mishaps and improved fortunes, but the fourth important lesson about women came in the sixth form when I was into this lovely girl. She was smart, funny and very into transformers. More or less the dream woman for me at that age. However, I introduced her to my rather good-looking best friend and well you can guess the rest. So in gist, never introduce your girlfriend to a better-looking mate who goes to the gym. Also, date women in secret until they’re too emotionally invested to move on to better things.

At this point I was ready to give up on women, but annoyingly enough hormones made me soldier on.
It was then I entered into the fifth and perhaps the most useful lesson about women. They rather enjoy being friends if you ‘open up’. By that I mean the sharing of feelings, the bitchier the better apparently. Which brings us to the now. I am wilfully single and still very much a student when it comes to the opposite sex. However I await the next eventual painful lesson with bated breath.